have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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