Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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