this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
