you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
