Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
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so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
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she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
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