Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
