Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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