I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
