the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
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