My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
