My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
