Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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