My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
