Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
