I got chris browned last night
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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