I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
