Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
