What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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