omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
