I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
