The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
