We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
