I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
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