Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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