someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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