I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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