I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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