Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
that's an acceptable place to lick
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
