I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
