Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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