You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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