I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
