i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
