Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
