News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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