4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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