You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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