I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
