i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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