I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
