I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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