barbara walters just said penis...
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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