apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I supernannyed him into submission
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
