youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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