So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
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It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
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I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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