1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Yo dont text me then not text me
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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