I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
