I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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