I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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