you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I can't turn off my feet"
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
