Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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