first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
