Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
