I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize
