So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
