im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
