I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Randomize
