I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
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I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
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No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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