so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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