My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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