i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
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