he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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